To start, identify what the problem is for you and for the other person. Then, see if both of you are willing to work on solving it. If one person isn’t ready, the next steps might help you understand why.
1. Say what the problem is for you.
2. Listen to what the problem is for them.
3. Focus on solving the problem, not attacking the person.
Look for solutions that meet both people’s needs, even if it’s hard.
However, certain behaviors can make resolving conflict difficult, such as:
– Name-calling: “You’re nothing but a…”
– Blaming: “It’s all your fault!”
– Put-downs: “You’re hopeless.”
– Not listening: Pretending to listen while preparing your own response instead of understanding the other person.
Other damaging behaviors include seeking revenge or bringing up past mistakes. To break this cycle, it’s important to stop attacking the person and focus on the issue instead.
Making excuses is also unhelpful—either you’re doing something or you’re not.
Using threats is another harmful behavior. Threats like, “If you don’t do this, I’ll hurt you,” or physically hurting someone (punching, kicking, etc.) create fear and escalate the problem.
A study in kindergartens showed that bullying often starts small, like knocking over a sandcastle, and can escalate to threats or physical harm. The “leader” of the bullies may get others to do the dirty work, creating fear in their followers and the victims.
When a child feels threatened, intimidated, or scared, bullying becomes a form of violence, whether it happens in the schoolyard, classroom, sports, or online. Bullies might excuse their actions by saying, “I was only joking,” but the effects can be serious, even leading to tragic outcomes.
If a child is being bullied, it’s important that school staff take it seriously.
Dave Hyatt
